Good Me, Bad Me

The LightThe Dark

Some days I am completely in sync with life. I wake up literally bathed in light as golden beams from the morning sun cast my bedroom in soft yellow and orange hues. I’m well rested and excited to tackle the day, even before my first cup of coffee, which I jump out of bed to grab.

With said cup in hand, I plug in to “my source” and after an hour of prayer and meditation I’m ready to tackle anything, which I do with gusto. I’m focused and driven as I plow through my to do list, an oddly pleasant atmosphere surrounding each task, no matter its difficulty. Light is present and moves as I move.

I’m grounded in a way that’s impossible to explain other than it’s just me willingly submitting to God. Call that contentious client, stop procrastinating on that presentation, take care of those bills piled up in the corner, reach out to the friend who mistreated you, make time to visit the parents and by all means get that blog post out that’s been stuck in your head for weeks! Ok, yes, please, um alright, what’s next?

An almost overwhelming joy permeates me during those times and life just flows. I’m doing the things I need to do to live a responsible and productive life. The connection to a larger purpose is strong along with awe that tiny, little ole me is playing a part in it.

Time seems to slow down during those days as awareness of the present moment takes over. The inescapable beauty of our natural world strikes hard as I contemplate the inner petals of a flower or dew dripping off a blade of grass.

People too become beautiful, even in their ugliness, as the unmistakable stamp of God shines through their broken parts and speaks plainly to my own. Cardboard character stereotypes dissolve in to openness and vulnerability, real conversations happen. Ones that matter anyway.

Boy, is it easy to love and be loved when I’m in the flow like that, with a seemingly endless supply of empathy and forgiveness and a strong desire to see and treat people, as God would want. The knowledge that grace has been extended to me many times when I absolutely deserved the opposite, compels me to do the same for others. I’m convicted, humbled and willing to obey as life unfolds divinely as it was meant.

Then there are those other days, when I wake up feeling as if my pillow was made of bricks and everything is tinged with darkness, regardless of the weather. My head pounds as I lie there willing in vain for a cup of coffee to appear (heavy on the cream please) and my brain struggles with the conflicting sensations of jittery panic at what the day will bring and sheer exhaustion.

My movements are slow as I juggle breakfast with finding something to wear while ignoring the desperate and frequent chirping of my cell phone. I know I should take 15 minutes to sit quietly, maybe have a chat with God or just get my breathing to slow down, but this thought annoys me. I don’t have time as I’m already running late. Besides, it’s not like that really does anything, right?  It’s up to me, myself and I to turn this day around and right now I’ve got a meeting to get to.

Darkness follows me as I rush to the car and curse because I didn’t fill the tank up yesterday and now have to waste more time stopping for gas. Finally I hit the highway and with the radio playing and the window down, my mood lifts a little. Traffic suddenly comes to a dead stop and I barely avoid hitting the guy in front of me because his brake lights don’t work. It’s all I can do not to throw my half full coffee mug at his car so I settle for more cursing and turn up the radio

The entire day goes on like this, one struggle after another. I’m irritable, impatient and not very nice to be around. By evening I’m completely spent, like I’ve been swimming in a vat of molasses.  There is a deadness to things too; no connection to others, no sense of purpose and zero communication with God. To the contrary, any divine message that happens to breach my self imposed barriers results in me doing the opposite of its intention.

Forgive that person? Why, they were being a total jerk and I’m going to tell them that. Don’t gossip about my boss? He’ll never know and besides it’s just a little venting, no harm, no foul. Stop swearing? Please, it feels good and everyone does it. Stop by Mom’s and return her book?? I’ll do it tomorrow when I’m less tired. Engage that person next to me in conversation? They’ll think I’m weird and I’m not much in the mood to talk.

On and on it goes, me floundering about and punching holes in the air as if in a battle with myself. In reality of course it’s just struggling against God who only wants to protect me and prevent the other side from getting another soldier.

It’s no small thing this war that’s continually playing out behind the scenes of my little dramas, my little life. The more aware of it I become, the more clearly I see my choices and the consequences, good and bad,  they bring. Light always comes with one, darkness with the other.

Be aware and fight aggressively to walk in light.  It brings a hope like no other.

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43 Responses to Good Me, Bad Me

  1. archaeopteryx1 says:

    Scenario #1 sounds like a dopamine rush, #2, like dopamine withdrawal.

    You’re a sweetheart, so clearly he/she didn’t have you in mind, but someone wise once said that if you meet more than three jerks in a single day, maybe YOU are the one who’s the jerk – just food for thought.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. irtfyblog says:

    “Be aware and fight aggressively to walk in light.”

    great advice. thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. La Sabrosona says:

    I really enjoyed the writing. Was an enjoyable read – poetic. Makes a lot of sense. I’m just wondering about the gray area. What about the gray shades of life?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Tricia says:

      Thanks LS and that’s a great question about the gray shades of life, where right and wrong are not so clearly drawn. We all sure struggle with that. I guess I can only speak for myself when I say that that the closer I draw to God, the more the lines become clear. That’s not everyone’s path though, I realize that. Just being aware along with a healthy dose of compassion I think would not be a bad place to start….:)

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Wally Fry says:

    Tricia, this was so great. You so captured the way I think the day is for most of us as we run around the real world trying to do the best we can in it. The problem is, we are expected to do more than just the best we can; we are expected to be like Jesus. Good reminder, thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Tricia says:

      Thanks Wally and you’re right, we are expected to do more. You’re blog is always a helpful reminder of this. It’s funny I think we all share similar struggles yet in such different and uniquely human ways.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Wally Fry says:

        Well..ya know Paul warned us of the commonality of our struggle. You are 100 percent correct about our struggles being similar, but the wonderful thing is, God always provides a solution.

        “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”

        Hope you are having a wonderful Lord’s Day.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Tricia says:

          Yeah, that’s why I enjoy reading Paul’s letters the best! And about David’s life too, such monumental struggles with darkness. Hope you’re day is wonderful as well!

          Liked by 1 person

        • archaeopteryx1 says:

          Wally, would that quotation be from any of the Pauline forgeries?
          Timothy I
          Timothy II
          Titus
          Thessalonians II
          Ephesians
          Colossians

          Like

          • Wally Fry says:

            Arch
            Since that comment has zip to do with the discussion going on, I won’t address it. If Tricia wants to chase rabbits with you, she can go right ahead, being as this is her blog.

            And that passage is actually 1 Corinthians 10:13

            But, you present that assertion as fact, with no attribution to anything whatsoever. That’s mighty fine scholarship you have going on there, Arch.

            But, the real question is, why do you have to take what was a conversation among adults and turn it into a forum for your garbage spewing?

            I’m out. Not my blog, and not going to clog up a friend’s blog with endless circular debates with you.

            Peace to all.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Tricia says:

            Thanks Wally for addressing this. I was just about to but you summed things up perfectly.

            Arch, if you have something to say about your own struggles with darkness and what brings you hope, then please do share. Otherwise, let’s leave the Pauline debates to another blog shall we? I’d say that sounds like a good topic for you to post about if you had one ever get around to creating your own blog.

            Liked by 1 person

          • archaeopteryx1 says:

            I was merely responding to Wally’s comment – he brought up Paul, not I. Chastise him and congratulate me for being so civil —

            Like

          • Tricia says:

            Not all disagreements need to be addressed, especially when you know neither of you will ever see eye to eye. Rabbit hole indeed.

            Like

          • archaeopteryx1 says:

            Not all disagreements need to be addressed” – But can they, in all good conscience, be ignored? To ignore is to lend credence, and I don’t.

            Like

          • Tricia says:

            If you’re a guest in a house and proceed to pick a furniture tossing glass breaking fight, you better make darn sure you’re stand is worth taking at that very moment and with that particular person.

            Of course there is always the option of just giving people space to be who they are.

            Like

          • archaeopteryx1 says:

            “You have the freedom to be yourself, here, and now.”
            — Jonathan Livingston Seagull —

            Except for Colorstorm.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Tricia says:

            Ok congratulations on being civil.

            Like

          • archaeopteryx1 says:

            What gives me hope? Wonderful, natural, completely godless children – they are magic, or as close to magic as we will ever come, and not only the wave of the future, but the only immortality we will ever know.

            Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh man … I so needed this reminder. Thank you! For the past I don’t know how long I’ve INTENDED to start each day with God – but when the day slams down on me all thoughts of taking time fall right out of my head. It’ll be noon or later before I think, “Oh damn, forgot to pray … sorry, Lord” – and turn back to fumbling with the latest crisis. It’s a choice. I just have to make a different one. Thank you again!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Tricia says:

      Lol Belladonna, looks like we share those same good intentions! It’s amazing though how the closer our connection to God is, the less stressful all those “crises” become.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. kcchief1 says:

    My old friend Arch has been very civil here. He only does this for pretty women . 🙂
    I’ve seen him in action before. LOL

    Though I am no longer a Christian, I still am a believer in and practice what Luke 12:48 teaches. I think people of all faiths or none should live by this. The more you are blessed, the more you should become a blessing to others.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. archaeopteryx1 says:

    “But, you present that assertion as fact, with no attribution to anything whatsoever. That’s mighty fine scholarship you have going on there, Arch.”
    — Wally —

    I possibly should apologize for my lack of references, Wally, but a), the comment was a question, not a statement, and I wasn’t aware that questions required attribution, and, b), having become accustomed to having my referenced material buried in moderation on your and Colorstorm’s blogs, I’ve grown used to not wasting my time posting it, knowing it will never see the light of day, my bad.

    “Not my blog, and not going to clog up a friend’s blog with endless circular debates with you.”
    — Wally —

    Give me your assurance that you won’t bury my comments and references, Wally, and I would be more than happy to bring the discussion to your blog, where we can discuss at length. Just say the word.

    Not starting anything new, Tricia, just offering Wally an opportunity to continue our conversation elsewhere – you know me, Mr. Congeniality —

    Like

  8. Chris Warren says:

    As a wise man once said, “Be nice to someone who doesn’t deserve it”.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I really appreciate what you shared here Tricia. Thank you for sharing so beautifully from your heart. 🙂
    ~Carl~

    Liked by 1 person

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